The Vegemite Experience

It was a quiet Sunday morning in the Sides' house that morning. The morning coffee had been brewed and the aroma filled the house. Showers had been taken and the Sunday paper lay spread out in the family room. The familiar smells came from the kitchen ... at first. But then there came a smell that was foreign to all but the most traveled of individuals. Subtle, yet consuming, this odor seemed to permeate the senses and at once I knew something was amiss!

"Oh no!" I exclaimed. "She's gonna make me do it." Sure enough, as I walked into the kitchen, IT was there. Sitting on the table was the culprit ... a 4 gram jar of the infamous "Vegemite" .... opened. Beside it sat a full quarter pound stick of butter and on a plate near by was a piece of freshly toasted bread. In the background stood one Mrs. Sides (Tezz) with a somewhat curious yet sinister smile on her face.

"Well", I said to no one in particular, "This is it." I sat down and generously spread butter on the toast, as I had been instructed by those familiar with this "Australian National Treasure". I then sparingly, oh so sparingly, spread a very, very thin amount of this "Black Gold" on the butter. To insure it was properly spread, Tezz took over and sort of "marbled" the substance into the butter.

Apprehension reigned as I cautiously crept up on the morsel that awaited me. I don't know ... I guess I figured that if I surprised it, it wouldn't be so bad (WRONG). It must have seen me coming, because it was waiting for me as I raised it to my mouth for that first, and perhaps only, bite.

As the toast reached my mouth, the aroma of the Vegemite reached my nose. "Okay" I thought "I can handle this. After all, I'm a Gold Wing Rider and WOTI regular. I've survived the flames from the best of them and this past summer I rode to Canada and back with little or no damage to the "roids". Hell, I survived the 60's and even the 70's with it's "Disco" years. I've been to the Far East and eaten things that I can only imagine the ingredients for. I've raised two kids and survived their transition through puberty. I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 28 YEARS! Yep, I can handle this."

Slowly I closed my teeth into the bread and topping, trying my best to take a bite without actually letting anything touch my gums or tongue. Didn't work! As I began to chew, I was fooling myself that I could actually chew this stuff without tasting it. That didn't work either. Suddenly, I realized that I was EATING VEGEMITE. The taste at first was masked fairly well by the butter on the bread. Then, without warning, something strange and different began to overpower the familiar butter taste. "Oh my God" I thought. "This is it". "I'm doing it!" "I'M GONNA DIE!"

But I didn't. I wish I had, but I didn't. I chewed as quickly as possible, which became more difficult each time I closed my mouth. And, each time I did close my mouth, the foreign flavor spread further and further onto my taste buds. Finally, with one last "I'll beat you" chomp, I swallowed. Know what? I could feel it as it found it's way to my insides. Residing now well inside this old body, the Vegemite yeast must have began its processing, for I can feel it bubbling within.

I quickly grabbed my coffee cup, and ignoring the fact that it was boiling hot from the pot, I downed several swallows in hopes of covering up what was left in my mouth. It had little success in masking the leftover taste.

Then, as I turned back to the table, what should my eyes behold? It was Tezz, gleefully eating the remaining piece of toast and commenting that "hey, this isn't all that bad", as she kept mentioning that she grew up in Iowa and was used to fresh yeast risen bread and other strange mid-western favorites. Yep, she actually ate the entire piece of bread and seemed to actually enjoy it. Well, I'm not sure "enjoy" is the correct word, but she sure didn't have any problem putting it away.


Epilog:
Folks, this is not something that I would rush out to buy. Nor, were I in Australia's position, would I list it among my national and/or secret treasures. If it's a secret, it would be best left in the closet. I can think of much better ways to get my daily dosage of Vitamin B, and this is definitely not one of them. It's a stout flavor that lingers on long after you have finished the consumption of Australia's brewing industries by-product. Not recommended for those with weak constitutions.

So as to verify to the world that we did in fact actually partake of this culinary gem, we share the above pictures. Thankfully, they came out okay as Tezz was having a difficult time focusing while she wiped tears from her eyes from laughing. I on the other hand was also crying, but it had nothing to do with laughter.

And now, we wait apprehensively, for the arrival of the U.K.'s answer to Vegemite .... Marmite. I have received a small offering from another "fine" friend from across the Atlantic. I was thinking that perhaps a storm at sea might slow it up, but nah, that was to much to hope for. The jar sits in my kitchen awaiting another Sunday morning.

Stay tuned ... the great Vegemite/Marmite Challenge continues. In the mean time I think I'll just stick to oatmeal since I won't be able to really enjoy anything for a while now anyway.


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